Hey guys! I know, it's like way past the beginning of the year and I'm just now writing my first personal post of the year.
Some of you might have seen that I started writing a HSJ POV story of 'Poston'. I have actually been listening to a lot of Hey Say Jump lately, and it just came to me so I thought I would give it a shot.
However, the big reason I haven't been listening to Arashi here lately is because of another thing I talked about in my last personal post. I didn't realize how bad it was until just a few days ago.
I moved out of Dad's place. Before and right after the divorce, I was living with Dad, but right around Thanksgiving it finally got to be too much for me and I moved back in with Mom. Dad was such a negative person, and he has really changed since everything happened. I knew he was bugging Mom and was driving her crazy, but I didn't realize just how bad it was until I moved out. Thankfully, we are at a point where Mom has nothing attaching herself to him except me, and Dad doesn't text her or talk to her anymore.
He doesn't talk to me anymore either though. It used to be an everyday text with Dad, then it turned into twice a week, now I'm lucky if I hear from him once every couple of weeks. He has a new girlfriend, so he only seems to miss me when it's convienent for him.
Wow... that looks really mean and heartless when I type it up like that....
Anyway! I've been going through a lot feelings about how I really feel about my father, and I've been able to reflect on a lot of the mental abuse that he's given me my whole life. He used to judge my weight, make fun of my arms (because I have fat on my arms, sorry for liking food!), and he used to tell Mom that she would be 'prettier if she was skinnier', so I can only imagine how he really thought of me.
He used to get upset at me wanting to become a teacher and would say things like 'why would you want to be a teacher? They make no money and get no respect! You really want to be broke all the time?', then when I did become a head teacher at my preschool he would tell me how cool it was but I could just tell that he still thought of me as a 'glorified babysitter'.
And he used to laugh at me about Arashi all the time. My parents never understood me wanting to learn Japanese and why I love Arashi so much, but Mom gave up a long time ago on trying to figure me out. Dad, on the other hand, his way of trying to figure me out was to make fun of me. He would laugh at their names, ignore me if I tried to tell him something interesting about them, but the worst thing he ever did was try to sing along to 'Happiness' in "Ching Chong language." Basically, he would sing "Ching chong ching chong!" at the top of his lungs and 'attempt' to sing along. He would try to be funny, but I still can't listen to 'Happiness' without THAT memory coming up.
I guess with everything happening between me and Dad lately, part of me wanting to get away from him also meant 'no Arashi' because of how much he would laugh at me about it. I didn't mean to, and I'm trying to listen to more all the time, but for a long time 'Arashi' meant 'home', and I'm still struggling to find that part of me again.
Sorry. I just needed an outlet to let this all out.
Divorce sucks. Especially for children stuck in the middle.
Don't get married.
Hopefully this will all get better when I finally go to a university. I'm almost there!
Sorry guys. I'll try not to be so negative all the time.
Yours, smile-arigatou <3